Thoughts

Thoughts running through my mind. Chaotic thoughts that prevent me from taking the next logical step. He admitted that he is unsure; that his path is not clear right now. He is not saying no; he is not saying yes. Yet, he realizes that “it’s either have this child with Cathy or lose her.” Thoughts of having a child is not something he entertained at this age so he’s feeling very cautious- he doesn’t want to make any mistakes.

I’m not angry- because there is no solution in anger. There is no peace in anger. What I am is disappointed. Disappointed in a man I thought would be there for me. There is also understanding. I understand his position. I must respect his thoughts and his feelings, for they have never changed. It is rare that a man will change his life’s blueprint for a woman, no matter how much he cares for her. But there is no anger.

Am I too understanding? Well, I have to understand that this is something he is not 100% on board with. I don’t want to bring a child into this world with the knowledge that she wasn’t 100% wanted to begin with. I want this child of mine to know unconditional love from anyone she is in contact with in her early years. Let her own experiences as a growing being teach her what she does and does not like in this world. But entering the world should be a pleasant and loving experience for her so I don’t want her in an atmosphere of uncertainty. I am certain I want to bring her forth into the world. My partner must be too. If not, then God will give me the strength and the perseverance to do this on my own.

I am not angry. But I am starting to know peace and with that, I shall form my own solutions.

Find me on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/thereluctantbachelorette

Find me on Instagram! https://www.instagram.com/cathy_marie1/

An important Decision

Our conversation about my wanting a child and my gentleman not seeing himself with one at this stage in his life kept replaying in my mind. My thoughts were consumed with the fact that I had to now make a very important decision- whether to stay with this man or keep it moving. But I had already grown attached to him and found myself not wanting him out of my life.

We saw each other a few days later and had a lovely visit, resuming our normal banter and playfulness. However, every now and then, I would say something that emphasized my need to be with someone who wanted what I wanted. As I left him the next morning, he asked, “Are you breaking up with me?” I couldn’t answer that question- I wasn’t ready to. Instead I said something like, “Well, does it make sense for us to stay together when we want different things?” But somewhere between my question and my leaving his apartment, he believed that I did break up with him. I learned this through our next exchange via text. We had a chuckle over the misunderstanding but the thought weighed heavily upon both of us- so much so that it actually did feel like our brief relationship was very much coming to an end.

The following evening, he invited me to the movies in a quite natural way- considering the big topic that loomed over us. And quite naturally, I accepted. Yes, I was very hesitant. Why were we doing this to ourselves- holding onto feelings and keeping an attachment that would very soon have to be severed? Despite my hesitation, I found myself unable to say no.

Our time together felt very much like a date between two people who liked each other but were still at a very new and awkward stage in their relationship. Talk of my wanting a child never made it to the surface. It seemed to have simply hung in the air somewhere above and around us, quietly reminding us why our conversation was so strained that night.

A few days later, my gentleman and I discussed my desire to have a child. I explained to him that because I’ve never experienced that which my body was designed to do, I didn’t feel like a complete woman. He admitted that he had been thinking about it and he amazingly put himself into the equation. As he harbored thoughts of what we’d already shared between us, he asked himself, “What if this is as good as it gets?” He didn’t want to lose me because of this thing that had seemed to come between us. He was willing, he said, to get his sperm tested. I didn’t want him to get into any situation he didn’t want just for me yet he assured me that if he did this, it would be because he wanted it. I became  very emotional.

Later, I texted him, thanking him for talking to me about my desire to have a baby and for considering himself in a situation he previously didn’t even want. All for me. I emphasized to him that no matter what happened, I wanted him to know how very touched I was by his offer. I ended my text to him, saying “You mean so much to me.”

His response was so sweet, thanking me for the kind words. He wrote that he appreciated me and what I wanted. He expressed his gratefulness to be even a small part of my process. After telling me just how awesome he thought I was, he closed his text, saying “And you mean so much to me as well.”

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I was extremely touched. How could I let him go?

Find me on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/thereluctantbachelorette

Find me on Instagram! https://www.instagram.com/cathy_marie1/

Blog Talk

It’s been quite some time since my brief scare that my seasoned gentleman had come across my blog page (“He’s Following Me…” 9.03.17). Remember that I was nervous about how he would react to me and my blog given the fact that he is featured in the last few posts.

Though I was briefly relieved that he had no idea of my blog’s existence, I knew that it was time to tell him about it before he did actually find out on his own. I respected him and our relationship enough to tell him about it.
One day, a week after my scare, we were spending some time together. I don’t quite remember exactly what but something he said gave me the green light to open up a conversation about it.

“My novel isn’t the only writing that I do,” I had said to him. The look on his face was expectant, waiting for me to go on.
“Well,” I continued, “You know that I’ve been single for quite some time now and I always questioned why because it really bothered me. So I decided to start a blog about my single life, calling it The Reluctant Bachelorette. It’s about me being single and exploring why I’m single. It’s about my dating life and my thoughts about it all And the last few posts have been about you because you’re part of my dating life now.”
Whew! I was relieved that I finally told him but now I awaited his response. He listened carefully to what I said and when I finished, his mouth formed a slight smile and he said, “How can we market this into a script for television?”

I loved his response! And I greatly appreciated the fact that he was so cool about being featured in something to which he did not give his consent. I did assure him that I did not use his name nor did I mention where or how we met. I told him that nothing I wrote undermined him as a person. He wasn’t crazy about my calling him The Seasoned Gentleman but he was still a good sport about it.

I expected him to immediately look it up and start to read it but he continued our light conversation and didn’t bring it up again until a few days later.

We were on our way home from the beach one afternoon when he asked me about it. I took the opportunity to read to him the posts in which he was featured. He listened carefully as I read, laughing at the appropriate times and commenting on what I’d written (he was very impressed with himself when I read about my pounding heart as he reached in to kiss me on our first date). I paused often to ask him if he was okay with what he was hearing about himself. He assured me he was, pointing out that my blog is very much about myself and my experiences and he was just an added character I used in order to tell my story. He did, however, cringe every time I mentioned the seasoned gentleman and any time I referred to his age. But when I was all done, he told me he really liked it and he liked my writing style.

Once again, I was excited to finally have my “secret” exposed. Knowing that he was so cool about it was another thing that made me feel like this guy was so great. And I gotta say, I felt so lucky to be spending so much time with him. I felt a little closer to him at that point. I was enjoying my time with him and finally not concerning myself with thoughts of what I wanted from the relationship. But was I kidding myself? There was still the other “secret” I was keeping to myself…

He’s Following Me…

I was working on a paper for my on-line class when I noticed an indication on my cell phone: someone had just started following me on Instagram. Wait a minute. It wasn’t just someone; it was my seasoned gentleman! My heart dropped, my breath grew uncontrollable, and my body broke out into an extreme hot flash. I panicked. I immediately sent him a text, desperately wishing to distract him away from my blog: “Hey!” No response. Why didn’t he respond? What was he doing? Was he on my bachelorette blog? What if he was reading it? What was he thinking about me? Would he be upset that I was writing about him without his knowledge?

STOP! Let me backtrack! I’ve been writing on this platform about my single life for about two and a half years now. I don’t divulge this information to any of the men that I’ve dated because, frankly, it’s none of their business. If you’ve been following along, you’d know that they don’t even stick around that long anyway. So what does this blog have to do with my Instagram account? Every time I write a new post on my blog, I promote it on my Instagram page. I post flattering pictures of myself with “thereluctantbachelorette.com” blatantly sprawled across the image. That is why I panicked when my guy started following me. I was sure he’d take notice of at least one of these images and curiously check my site out only to read about something I’ve never shared with him.

Now, honestly, it surprised me how much I actually cared about what he thought about me, my blog and how I’ve included him in it. But sure enough, when he didn’t respond, I had to seek the immediate comfort and advice of my sister. I called her and told her what happened and she was so generous to offer ways in which I could approach the subject. She made suggestions about what to say to assure him that my blog is about my dating experiences and is not meant to put a spotlight on the man I’m currently dating.

And as my sister was suggesting that I emphasize my blog as my source of therapy, he sent me a text of a sexual nature. He was flirting with me!

The relief was immediate! He was not really an Instagrammer so maybe he didn’t even look through my page. It seemed that he was following me, but he really wasn’t. We flirted back and forth via text for awhile before I was sure that I could resume what I was doing before my initial scare.

While my heart was settled for the moment, I realized that he could, at any time, begin reading my posts about him…

Find me on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/thereluctantbachelorette Find me on Instagram! https://www.instagram.com/cathy_marie1/

A Needed Discussion

Children- to discuss having them or not. At a certain age, that truly is the question. If you’ve been keeping up with this blog, you’d know that I’ve been seeing a man of a certain age for the past few weeks. And if you’ve been following me from the beginning, you’d know that having children is a dream of mine. Since I started seeing the seasoned gentleman, we’ve spoken of children very, very briefly. Based on the little he’s said, I get the feeling that he feels his chance at having kids has passed. Why don’t I just ask him, right? I’ve always been of the mind that any man I’m involved with needs to know my intentions immediately. So why have I been skirting around the issue with him? At my age, I feel like I don’t have that luxury. Fear and anxiety have kept me from having this discussion with him. Fear of maybe him telling me something I may not want to hear and anxiety about talking about something as heavy as having children. Is it fair of me to ask a man who’s on the verge of retiring to think about having children?

My cousins and sister tell me not to think so much about all of that but to simply enjoy him and my time with him. But I feel like I’ve done that many times before and look where I am now- still single and childless! Yet if I continue down this path of wondering about children and never discussing it with him, I may indeed miss out on all the fun I’m having by keeping a proverbial dark cloud over my experiences with him. Should I simply do my best to enjoy my time with him and let the discussion of children organically occur? Or should I deliberately bring it up to him because of its importance to me? This is what I continue to struggle with.

Find me on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/thereluctantbachelorette

Find me on Instagram! https://www.instagram.com/cathy_marie1/