Redefining My Ideal Life

I’ve always pictured myself with a beautiful man about my age with a body that proved he worked hard to keep it up. This ideal man would be such a charmer that everyone I knew who met him would compliment me on what a catch I managed to reel in. I imagined him without children. He’d want so very much for me to carry his and we would raise and rear them together. I pictured that ours would be the traditional family unit. We’d live in a beautiful house that had a sizeable front yard and a backyard big enough to keep a swing set and monkey bars and anything else our children would want added to their playground. That was my ideal life.

It was in the summer of 2016 when I started to realize that that may not have been the life meant for me (“My Inner Battle” 7.22.16). In retrospect, I believe now that I was in desperate denial when I started my search for a husband (“The Husband Project” 3.30.16)– rushing the process just so that I could have something I felt I deserved. But what I didn’t take into consideration was the idea that my ideal life was not going to be some modern day fairytale. I now know that marrying someone quickly just to start a family would not necessarily equal happiness. I’m glad I let go of my husband search and continued my search for love. But again, I think I was short sighted— still only looking for that “perfect” man. What I met were men who didn’t really want to settle down or have more kids, and one who didn’t even live in this state. I tried telling myself that maybe they would change their minds or come to see how perfect I could be as a mate. Deep down, however, I knew that again, I was trying to create a fantasy out of reality.

Then, suddenly my gentleman was presented to me in a most unexpected way (“An Unexpected Interest” 7.8.17). Yes, there were feelings of doubt and uncertainty but I wanted to trust the situation. You’ll recall that a major concern of mine was his age. And he didn’t come in the physical package I’d always envisioned but that didn’t matter because I found him attractive anyway. That was important to me.

He told me from the beginning he didn’t want kids yet I told him from the beginning that I did. Why are we still together then? Well, we’ve kept the lines of communication open with conversations about what we were willing or not willing to settle for. We’ve come to respect each other for that.

Right now I’m pursuing my wish to have a child and he has made the decision to stand by me in full support.

When I first started this blog, I questioned why I was not yet married to the love of my life, living in a beautiful house with our beautiful children. That was my ideal life. Now I understand and accept that perhaps I wasn’t meant to live that life.

My ideal life has become getting to know myself through my search for love. It’s become recognizing when a good thing has come into my world. My ideal life is understanding that I can most certainly have everything that I’d ever wanted when it comes to having my own family. Yet I now realize that that ideal life may come in a different package and through unconventional ways…and I am so ready to accept that.

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My Revelation

If you spend any time with me you will learn very quickly that it’s very hard for me to make decisions. Whether it is the choice of ice cream, a meal, or what outfit to Grey dresswear, my indecisiveness becomes comical to the patient person or very annoying to the impatient. You can imagine that this indecisiveness does spill in to the very important decisions in my life– like my decision to get married and have the twins I always thought I wanted.

Those of you who follow my blog already know that back in March of this year, I decided to follow a 12 step program that would lead me to my husband. And the reason I had decided to do this was because I just knew that I wanted to get pregnant and have twins very soon. Never wanting to have children outside of wedlock, I’ve always envisioned having a traditional family unit. However, with each step I took with the program, whenever it involved including others into my husband search, I dramatically stalled. It was always as if I was waiting for the perfect moment of inspiration to actually perform the step I was up to. Example, you ask? Step 6: Promoting myself and my brand by sending letters (emails) to everyone I knew. The purpose was to tell them what a wonderful catch I am and to ask them if they knew anyone they could set me up with. The thought of it terrified me: putting myself out there like that? No way! What would they say? (who cares!) What if they thought I was a loser? (so what?!)

So every day, I sat myself down in front of the computer, trying to force myself to look into who to send these emails to. I was forcing myself to do something I didn’t want to do under the guise of stepping outside of my comfort zone. What I was not doing was looking at the underlying reasons why I did not want to do what I was forcing myself to do. I mean, if I took finding a husband seriously, would I really hesitate in completing the steps required? When I finally looked at the underlying reasons, I realized something new about myself.

I started to question my wants. Do I really want a husband? Or is it that I just want a lover? Do I even want children anymore? Am I emotionally ready to care for children and put them first? All of these questions and more were going on in my mind. All of these questions left me with answers of yes, no, and maybe. My thoughts and ideas, my wants– they were all over the place. And then I realized, suddenly, that I was doing the same thing with these ideas and thoughts that I’ve been doing all of my life. I was being indecisive.

Makes you happyDiscussing these concerns with my sister, I told her that I just don’t know what I want anymore. I have always wanted to be married and have a family but at this age, it doesn’t even matter if I get married anymore. I could easily start dating someone, get pregnant and if I never get married, I think I will really be emotionally OK. I don’t need the engagement ring and the bachelorette party. I don’t need the wedding dress. I don’t even think I need to say the words I do in front of dozens of people just to prove that I am finally successful in a relationship. My sister made me realize that all I want to be is happy, in whatever form that may come in. If I am with the man that I love from head to toe and I know– I am certain— of his love for me, then that’s enough. I don’t need him to bend down on one knee. I don’t need those papers that say husband-and-wife.

I realize that all I want to be is happy. And what an important revelation! I would’ve never come to this had I not started reading the book Find a Husband After 35. That book has put me on a journey I did not even realize I was going to go on. I thought my journey was going to be about finding my husband. But my journey in the last few months has been really forcing me to dig deep into my head, dig deep into my thoughts and really come up with this beautiful idea that happiness is all I ever wanted. And if that happiness leads to marriage and a family, I’ll take it! If it leads to children and no man in the picture, I’ll take that too! If happiness comes in the form of a series of lovers who enhance my experience of life, I will accept it. That’s all any of us really want. I don’t know if in 5 months I will again change my mind. Perhaps in 5 years I may be wishing to be married. I just don’t know. All I know is that right now, I just really want to be happy. Of this I am certain.

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My Inner Battle

Perhaps it’s reaching out to everyone I know to tell them I’m searching for a husband that’s got me scared to finish this thing. But more than that, I think I’m startingPatio Pic to think differently about this whole project and it seems to have paralyzed me. Let me explain.

It started in the early days of June, when I was focused on finishing up the school year as a teacher. The school year was a bit more stressful than what I was used to so I was determined to get out of teaching altogether. My focus was now in writing as a profession, whether it be as a copywriter, a ghost writer, or any other niche I felt would work for me. And in focusing on this, I kind of put my husband project aside. I kept it in the back of my mind because I knew that I had to eventually write about it on my blog. In putting it in the back of my mind, I found that I wasn’t feeling lonely, so I did not feel the need to continue my husband project. And in not feeling that need, I started thinking, do I actually want a man or do I just want him so that I could have my babies? If that was the case, then what was I doing wasting time? I could be pregnant within the month if I went to a sperm bank. Then I started thinking about it more and more. Am I chickening out of my steps or was I being realistic about what I actually want?

I discussed these concerns with none other than my sister, who is also my mentor in this endeavor. She feels that I’m thinking about all of this because things are not moving fast enough for me. I assured her that I never thought that this process would move quickly therefore her reasoning could not be right. But she reiterated her point, stressing that if change were to occur right away for me, then I would see the project and the process differently. Then I would not doubt whether I should continue with it. But my argument is if I am doubting whether I should do it, isn’t that a sign that I shouldn’t? Or perhaps I’m giving myself permission to quit!

So I once again had to ask: what is my motivation? My motivation for finding a husband is to ultimately have my twins. I do want to fall in love. I do want companionship. But ultimately, I know that I need to make a decision and I just don’t know anymore if that decision should necessarily include a husband. I’m just so unclear about everything and I just don’t know if I am making the decisions that I am supposed to be making. Am I to reconsider? I just don’t know.

There was one friend who told me to be careful. She rushed into a marriage and having a child with her husband. Her baby wasn’t even a year old when they separated and now they are going through an ugly divorce. I thanked her for her warning, knowing that would not be me. But why am I still thinking about it? That was her reality but it doesn’t have to be mine.

And then there’s this former colleague that I recently had drinks with and she joked about going broke from her divorce and being single again. The fact that she kept bringing it up in her inebriated state showed that she was hurting. I later learned that she was more focused on having children than a husband at the time of her wedding. Why is her situation still floating in my mind? Why am I focusing on her negative?

I ask myself: is my hesitance to contact everyone I know to tell them of my project a sign that I should not go through with it? Or am I conveniently interpreting it this way to get out of doing something that scares me? I just don’t really know what to do anymore.

One thing I do know: it’s always best to go with your first instinct. When I first started this project, I bravely admitted that I had an inspired thought to do this project and inspired thoughts should always be honored. My first instinct was to go through with this project; that is just what I’m going to do…until I need to write about it again!

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Perfecting My Brand

Hello all!
For those of you just tuning in, I am in the midst of pursuing my goal in an ambitious project where I follow a 15-step program from a book called Find a Husband After 35. These steps will help me “market” myself in a way that will highlight my positive attributes.

One of those steps involves creating a brand for myself (fit, disciplined, author) and then using that brand to promote myself to all the people I know. I had already taken one set of photos at the park and worked on a 30 second pitch, as recommended by the author. So, I went back to the park last weekend in my athletic gear, this time sporting an iPad instead of my laptop. I tried different poses but my favorite happens to be the one against the tree.

Brand 9Brand 8

So! I have about 4 poses, two outfits and one pitch all ready for me to take the next step in the book.  The last time I wrote, I told you I’d work on my 30-second pitch. My revision:

I am a beautiful, smart and educated woman who’s in fantastic shape. My goal is to meet someone wonderful who will be happy to share and appreciate my creativity as an author, my independence, and my dedication to the things I find important. This includes not only my family, staying fit, and my writing, but also my wish to have children of my very own. So if you know anyone who is willing to put up with a fun and health-minded woman who would like to someday have a family, send him my way!

Depending on how I read this and my different uses of inflection, this pitch is anywhere between 24 and 31 seconds. I think I’m set!

Okay folks! The moment of truth! This is when I send personalized emails to everyone I know telling them about my goal to find a husband and to introduce myself to all of them as a fit, disciplined author. Aah! Wish me luck!!

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The Launch of My Brand

Hello everyone! I wanted to update my readers on what I’ve been working on. In my previous post, “What Makes Me Different” (6.7.16) I announced the brand Brand 7that the author of Find a Husband After 35 suggested for Step 5. My brand is: Fit. Disciplined. Author.
I’ve since been to the park for a mini photoshoot that hopefully clearly illustrates my brand. I had several ideas about working out or stretching at a park to show my fit side, with a laptop and my iPod to show my authorship. The fact that I’ve combined these two hopefully illustrates my discipline in both activities. My sister took over 50 pictures of me, so I had SO MUCH to choose from. The ones that appear below will not be featured in my final email to friends. The ones I chose have the words fit, disciplined and author across them. It was fun taking these pictures and even more fun choosing the ones that made the final cut. But I’m not done yet!

 

Brand 6Brand 4
I want to go back and take different pictures with different active wear before I start contacting people about my brand and my goals. And I also want to take my sister’s suggestion of perfecting my 30 second “commercial”. My pitch was: I am a beautiful, smart and educated author who’s in fantastic shape, and is looking to meet someone wonderful. In the words of my mentor/sister: “I like your blurb! But it’s not 30 seconds. If they’re 2 different things, then in the longer version, you should definitely say something like: ‘looking to meet someone wonderful that shares and appreciates these qualities…’ And definitely remind them of your independence and even that you’re driven and fun loving.” My new pitch, still a work in progress and not yet 30 seconds long, is:

I am a beautiful, smart and educated author who’s in fantastic shape, and I’m looking to meet someone wonderful who will be happy to share and appreciate my creativity, my independence, and my dedication to the things I find important. This includes not only my family and my writing, but also my wish to have children of my very own. So if you know anyone who is willing to put up with a fun and loving gorgeous woman, send him my way!

What do you think? Once I’ve perfected this pitch to my sister’s satisfaction, I will be ready with several different kinds of images and a great “commercial” that will help me be successful in landing a date with someone through my “direct mail” efforts.

Wish me luck!!

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