I’m so conflicted in so many ways. I’m about to share something very personal with my readers. When I was younger, I always wanted three children, which always included a pair of twins. Then my focus on children changed to just having twins. It’s been that way for many, many years now. People have warned me that having children would be incredibly challenging. Of course I know that taking care of children, especially twins, is going to be difficult; I never expected it to be a picnic. But I always knew that I’d have my husband to help me, not to mention the help of my immediate family. The idea, however, was always to have a husband in the picture.
All my years, I’ve always expected this husband would automatically appear in my life. I never really thought about how I’d meet him. It could have been a number of different ways: in college, at a party, through an introduction, or at work. I was always open to any of these ways, and more. However, it was never something I focused on in my twenties because again, I thought that he would somehow automatically come into my life. When I was in my thirties and still very single, I started looking into online dating. While that was interesting, fun, frustrating, and exciting, nothing seemed to come out of it. Now that I am in my forties with no single prospect and still wishing to have my twins, I have choices to consider.
The idea of the man who is in love with me affectionately taking care of our children and being the role model that they need is something I have fantasized about for so many years. There is something so special about a man spending time with his children and I think I would be truly blessed among others if the man who I called my king were to be the father of my children and proud to be so. But what do I do if time is not on my side and there is no man in my life? My sister and cousin suggest getting together with a random man who also wants children. I am not excited to consider it, even if it does seem like a logical solution; even if I were to seriously consider it and make necessary arrangements. But reality is telling me that what I want is not happening. The whole package does not seem to be a choice for me, so why not settle for getting at least part of that package? I can have a father figure for my children- someone who wants children- except he won’t be the love of my life, nor I his. It makes me extremely sad to think this way but I have to question myself: how much do I want children? Do I want children more than I want a man and a relationship? All aspects of my blog have been about finding a man and not necessarily eventually having children. So perhaps the companionship is what I crave more. But the children to me are a beautiful result of the love between two people. I want my children to exist because of the love I create with a significant other. Yes, I am fully aware that there are many relationships that start off as solid, strong and beautiful partnerships but don’t end well. What if I do marry the love of my life and we end up divorced? Worse! What if something were to happen to prevent him from ever coming home again? I know it’s negative thinking but my point is this: should I wait for something that’s not forever guaranteed? If I want my twins, man or not, I should start considering my options, right? Again, how much do I want them? I’m much more excited about the idea of them when I think of a man in the picture. My excitement wanes when I think of artificial insemination or a platonic partner in the creation of the twins I’ve dreamed about throughout my entire adult life. What about financial challenges that will undoubtedly present themselves? A number of factors must be considered when thinking of having a baby on one’s own.
Do you see why I am so conflicted? Those who know me know the challenges I face in making simple decisions. This is so far from a simple decision. Whatever I decide will affect me for the rest of my life (and at least three other people). This is what has been weighing on my mind this week. While it’s an important life decision I need to consider carefully, I don’t have much time in which to do it. Women unfortunately have the burden of a biological clock and everything around me keeps reminding me of that fact. So my conflict is this: should my search continue for a man in my life to eventually have children with or should it start with the best platonic prospect to father my children now?
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