A New Adventure

The past few weeks have indeed been challenging with several factors as the cause. The amount of stress I’ve been dealing with has certainly been exacerbated by my lack of sleep. Juggling my time between my teacher-related duties and my gentleman, I haven’t had much time to really think about anything else but my desire to have a child.

Yes, I am still seeing him who has since made it clear to me that to have a child would make him greatly uncomfortable. A quiet sadness filled the air when he finally told me and upon his gentle coaxing, I refused to share my thoughts with him. It was too painful. I have grown fond of him- in fact, the word love enters my mind when I think of him. To know that he does not wish to take this journey with me— although he’s shown me in other ways his deep affection for me— is heartbreaking.

His decision has nothing to do with whether or not I will stay with him. He seems to have no intention of letting me go. And I decided that I want him to stay in my life in the role he currently occupies. But I also later told him that with or without him, I am pursuing my wish to have a child. He figured as much, he admitted.

I have to say that my initial hope was to go through this process in a much less expensive way. Previously, thoughts of IVF and fertility treatments and hormone therapy were issues I had not even considered. They are now things I will have to start looking into. Thus, my journey begins down a route I had not expected. I have to follow my desire, allowing myself to explore what can possibly be a new adventure in pursuit of my dream.

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Thoughts

Thoughts running through my mind. Chaotic thoughts that prevent me from taking the next logical step. He admitted that he is unsure; that his path is not clear right now. He is not saying no; he is not saying yes. Yet, he realizes that “it’s either have this child with Cathy or lose her.” Thoughts of having a child is not something he entertained at this age so he’s feeling very cautious- he doesn’t want to make any mistakes.

I’m not angry- because there is no solution in anger. There is no peace in anger. What I am is disappointed. Disappointed in a man I thought would be there for me. There is also understanding. I understand his position. I must respect his thoughts and his feelings, for they have never changed. It is rare that a man will change his life’s blueprint for a woman, no matter how much he cares for her. But there is no anger.

Am I too understanding? Well, I have to understand that this is something he is not 100% on board with. I don’t want to bring a child into this world with the knowledge that she wasn’t 100% wanted to begin with. I want this child of mine to know unconditional love from anyone she is in contact with in her early years. Let her own experiences as a growing being teach her what she does and does not like in this world. But entering the world should be a pleasant and loving experience for her so I don’t want her in an atmosphere of uncertainty. I am certain I want to bring her forth into the world. My partner must be too. If not, then God will give me the strength and the perseverance to do this on my own.

I am not angry. But I am starting to know peace and with that, I shall form my own solutions.

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The Burden of the Biological Clock

IMG_1871I’m so conflicted in so many ways. I’m about to share something very personal with my readers. When I was younger, I always wanted three children, which always included a pair of twins. Then my focus on children changed to just having twins. It’s been that way for many, many years now. People have warned me that having children would be incredibly challenging. Of course I know that taking care of children, especially twins, is going to be difficult; I never expected it to be a picnic. But I always knew that I’d have my husband to help me, not to mention the help of my immediate family. The idea, however, was always to have a husband in the picture.

All my years, I’ve always expected this husband would automatically appear in my life. I never really thought about how I’d meet him. It could have been a number of different ways: in college, at a party, through an introduction, or at work. I was always open to any of these ways, and more. However, it was never something I focused on in my twenties because again, I thought that he would somehow automatically come into my life. When I was in my thirties and still very single, I started looking into online dating. While that was interesting, fun, frustrating, and exciting, nothing seemed to come out of it. Now that I am in my forties with no single prospect and still wishing to have my twins, I have choices to consider.

images5IS6A7A6The idea of the man who is in love with me affectionately taking care of our children and being the role model that they need is something I have fantasized about for so many years. There is something so special about a man spending time with his children and I think I would be truly blessed among others if the man who I called my king were to be the father of my children and proud to be so. But what do I do if time is not on my side and there is no man in my life? My sister and cousin suggest getting together with a random man who also wants children. I am not excited to consider it, even if it does seem like a logical solution; even if I were to seriously consider it and make necessary arrangements. But reality is telling me that what I want is not happening. The whole package does not seem to be a choice for me, so why not settle for getting at least part of that package? I can have a father figure for my children- someone who wants children- except he won’t be the love of my life, nor I his. It makes me extremely sad to think this way but I have to question myself: how much do I want children? Do I want children more than I want a man and a relationship? All aspects of my blog have been about finding a man and not necessarily eventually having children. So perhaps the companionship is what I crave more. But the children to me are a beautiful result of the love between two people. I want my children to exist because of the love I create with a significant other. Yes, I am fully aware that there are many relationships that start off as solid, strong and beautiful partnerships but don’t end well. What if I do marry the love of my life andwoman-clock-ticking we end up divorced? Worse! What if something were to happen to prevent him from ever coming home again? I know it’s negative thinking but my point is this: should I wait for something that’s not forever guaranteed? If I want my twins, man or not, I should start considering my options, right? Again, how much do I want them? I’m much more excited about the idea of them when I think of a man in the picture. My excitement wanes when I think of artificial insemination or a platonic partner in the creation of the twins I’ve dreamed about throughout my entire adult life. What about financial challenges that will undoubtedly present themselves? A number of factors must be considered when thinking of having a baby on one’s own.

Do you see why I am so conflicted? Those who know me know the challenges I face in making simple decisions. This is so far from a simple decision. Whatever I decide will affect me for the rest of my life (and at least three other people). This is what has been weighing on my mind this week. While it’s an important life decision I need to consider carefully, I don’t have much time in which to do it. Women unfortunately have the burden of a biological clock and everything around me keeps reminding me of that fact. So my conflict is this:  should my search continue for a man in my life to eventually have children with or should it start with the best platonic prospect to father my children now?

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