Thoughts

Thoughts running through my mind. Chaotic thoughts that prevent me from taking the next logical step. He admitted that he is unsure; that his path is not clear right now. He is not saying no; he is not saying yes. Yet, he realizes that “it’s either have this child with Cathy or lose her.” Thoughts of having a child is not something he entertained at this age so he’s feeling very cautious- he doesn’t want to make any mistakes.

I’m not angry- because there is no solution in anger. There is no peace in anger. What I am is disappointed. Disappointed in a man I thought would be there for me. There is also understanding. I understand his position. I must respect his thoughts and his feelings, for they have never changed. It is rare that a man will change his life’s blueprint for a woman, no matter how much he cares for her. But there is no anger.

Am I too understanding? Well, I have to understand that this is something he is not 100% on board with. I don’t want to bring a child into this world with the knowledge that she wasn’t 100% wanted to begin with. I want this child of mine to know unconditional love from anyone she is in contact with in her early years. Let her own experiences as a growing being teach her what she does and does not like in this world. But entering the world should be a pleasant and loving experience for her so I don’t want her in an atmosphere of uncertainty. I am certain I want to bring her forth into the world. My partner must be too. If not, then God will give me the strength and the perseverance to do this on my own.

I am not angry. But I am starting to know peace and with that, I shall form my own solutions.

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A Needed Discussion

Children- to discuss having them or not. At a certain age, that truly is the question. If you’ve been keeping up with this blog, you’d know that I’ve been seeing a man of a certain age for the past few weeks. And if you’ve been following me from the beginning, you’d know that having children is a dream of mine. Since I started seeing the seasoned gentleman, we’ve spoken of children very, very briefly. Based on the little he’s said, I get the feeling that he feels his chance at having kids has passed. Why don’t I just ask him, right? I’ve always been of the mind that any man I’m involved with needs to know my intentions immediately. So why have I been skirting around the issue with him? At my age, I feel like I don’t have that luxury. Fear and anxiety have kept me from having this discussion with him. Fear of maybe him telling me something I may not want to hear and anxiety about talking about something as heavy as having children. Is it fair of me to ask a man who’s on the verge of retiring to think about having children?

My cousins and sister tell me not to think so much about all of that but to simply enjoy him and my time with him. But I feel like I’ve done that many times before and look where I am now- still single and childless! Yet if I continue down this path of wondering about children and never discussing it with him, I may indeed miss out on all the fun I’m having by keeping a proverbial dark cloud over my experiences with him. Should I simply do my best to enjoy my time with him and let the discussion of children organically occur? Or should I deliberately bring it up to him because of its importance to me? This is what I continue to struggle with.

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