An important Decision

Our conversation about my wanting a child and my gentleman not seeing himself with one at this stage in his life kept replaying in my mind. My thoughts were consumed with the fact that I had to now make a very important decision- whether to stay with this man or keep it moving. But I had already grown attached to him and found myself not wanting him out of my life.

We saw each other a few days later and had a lovely visit, resuming our normal banter and playfulness. However, every now and then, I would say something that emphasized my need to be with someone who wanted what I wanted. As I left him the next morning, he asked, “Are you breaking up with me?” I couldn’t answer that question- I wasn’t ready to. Instead I said something like, “Well, does it make sense for us to stay together when we want different things?” But somewhere between my question and my leaving his apartment, he believed that I did break up with him. I learned this through our next exchange via text. We had a chuckle over the misunderstanding but the thought weighed heavily upon both of us- so much so that it actually did feel like our brief relationship was very much coming to an end.

The following evening, he invited me to the movies in a quite natural way- considering the big topic that loomed over us. And quite naturally, I accepted. Yes, I was very hesitant. Why were we doing this to ourselves- holding onto feelings and keeping an attachment that would very soon have to be severed? Despite my hesitation, I found myself unable to say no.

Our time together felt very much like a date between two people who liked each other but were still at a very new and awkward stage in their relationship. Talk of my wanting a child never made it to the surface. It seemed to have simply hung in the air somewhere above and around us, quietly reminding us why our conversation was so strained that night.

A few days later, my gentleman and I discussed my desire to have a child. I explained to him that because I’ve never experienced that which my body was designed to do, I didn’t feel like a complete woman. He admitted that he had been thinking about it and he amazingly put himself into the equation. As he harbored thoughts of what we’d already shared between us, he asked himself, “What if this is as good as it gets?” He didn’t want to lose me because of this thing that had seemed to come between us. He was willing, he said, to get his sperm tested. I didn’t want him to get into any situation he didn’t want just for me yet he assured me that if he did this, it would be because he wanted it. I became  very emotional.

Later, I texted him, thanking him for talking to me about my desire to have a baby and for considering himself in a situation he previously didn’t even want. All for me. I emphasized to him that no matter what happened, I wanted him to know how very touched I was by his offer. I ended my text to him, saying “You mean so much to me.”

His response was so sweet, thanking me for the kind words. He wrote that he appreciated me and what I wanted. He expressed his gratefulness to be even a small part of my process. After telling me just how awesome he thought I was, he closed his text, saying “And you mean so much to me as well.”

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I was extremely touched. How could I let him go?

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A Frank Discussion

We were coming to the end of our dinner one evening when my gentleman mentioned that he wanted us to have a frank and adult discussion about where our relationship was going. He’d been in relationships before where he and his significant others never talked about the direction of their relationship and he didn’t want to make the same mistake with me.

He expressed that he was starting to have tender feelings toward me. Sometimes, he confessed, he felt that he was the only one between us that felt such ‘tenderness’. In other words, he felt that I was guarded and that I was not letting him in. I have to admit: his saying that did not make me feel good. I was, in fact, guarding my heart, attempting to protect my feelings against a possible negative response from finally confronting him about my wish to have a child. So right then and there, I made the decision to tell him my “secret”, the only thing I found myself previously unable to talk to him about before.

Upon mentioning to him my wish to have a child and to be with someone who wants that with me, he maintained his position about why he did not want children. At his age, he wanted to enjoy his life with travel and his music, among other things. I listened. Who was I to judge him? He felt like that part of his life (having children) had passed him by. I certainly didn’t want to pressure him but I had to let him know how much I had always wanted this for myself.

We were both emotional as we lifted ourselves from the dinner table and sat together on his couch. Knowing what this revelation meant for us, we held each other in an embrace, not wishing to- and almost unable to let go.

I told him that for a woman to stay in a relationship that she knows won’t provide her with what she wants is pointless and an unfortunate waste of her time. I needed to find someone who wanted the same thing. He held me tighter saying, “We don’t have to make a decision now, do we?” And I felt the same way. I realized then that I didn’t want to end things with him. At all. But I had to think realistically. Could I stay with him and not have my baby? I would grow to resent him. What if he were to change his mind for me (which I certainly didn’t expect)? Would he grow to resent me?

Now, faced with the threat of terminating our relationship, I suddenly realized how much this man actually meant to me. I realized then why this was one of the most important relationships I’d ever been in. He is the first man that I’ve ever felt so comfortable with in ALL areas of my life. I literally could talk to him about anything and feel no judgement from him- just an understanding followed by an intelligent conversation, mixed in with some humor that always left me feeling good about myself, about him, and about us as a couple. How could I let that go to find someone who may or may not exist for me in the near future?

That night, he drove me home, expressing that he was glad we had our conversation and that it made him feel closer to me. I felt a deeper connection to him as well. But what good was it going to do for us if the very conversation that brought us closer was the one that proved we should be apart?

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