So here’s the thing. I understand that having a child on my own will be challenging. I am aware that it would be more manageable with a partner. I’m not disillusioned into thinking that parenthood will be all magical because I’ll finally have that which I’ve always wanted.
But how can I not do this for myself? All of my life, I had wanted a child. Well- if I’m being honest, I’ll have to admit that I’ve always wanted— and expected to have— twins. I’ve always imagined two little girls who resembled me, surprising me each day with their own unique personalities. I’ve had their names picked out for years- in honor of my mother and my paternal grandmother. Yes, I’ve thought about this for years. (Interestingly, thoughts of planning a wedding with the white dress and bridesmaids and all the details that come with it were never things I fantasized about. My twins were.) In my twenties it was something I thought about with hope and fantasy. In my thirties, I was assured of what I wanted each time I attended another friend’s or family member’s baby shower. Now in my forties, the hope, fantasy and assurance seem to be slowly waning. And that is completely frightening to me.
I’ve come to the realization that if I’m ever going to get what I want, I have to act now, regardless of who is in my life. I feel that throughout my adult life, I’ve been waiting. My twenties were about waiting for that great guy to be in that great relationship that would turn into a great marriage and eventually that great family. My thirties were about waiting to fall in love with that ok guy, getting married, and starting a family. All I’ve done was wait. Now, in my forties, I’m done waiting for my guy to be on board with me wanting a child— marriage or not.
Don’t get me wrong- I have done more than just wait throughout the years. I’ve done my share of kissing the frogs— giving chances to the men I wasn’t entirely interested in and pursuing unattainable, single men. All to fulfill that dream of finally having my twins. I can’t keep waiting. There comes a time when the waiting should come to an end and the action begins. This is my action. With or without my gentleman, I have to pursue this dream of mine for me. I’m not going to spend the rest of my days wondering what else I could have done to have the baby I’ve always wanted. Resentment towards him and anger with myself are the only things awaiting me if I allowed myself to give up this dream.
While this is one of the most frightening decisions I’ve ever had to make in my life, it’s also quite exciting. I don’t feel particularly ready, but at the same time I do. After months of thinking, talking, and writing about it, I’m finally taking my first steps into that realm of possibility. And I can’t wait to share my experiences with you!!!