My Bitter Lesson

What started out as an attempt at fun and adventure with a new man slowly turned into feelings of wanting more. Upon that realization, the man made a quick exit without any parting words. Any thoughts, feelings, or terms of endearment shared between the two of us suddenly felt pointless and foolish. I had attempted something new and failed at it, leaving me with a lost sense of who I was and who I was actually trying to be. I was the voiceless half of an imaginary relationship that I’d pretended was something good.

I was hopeful about something he carefully did not promise. Yet I chose to keep my eyes closed upon the very obvious. He kept me at an arm’s distance and I was foolishly happy to stay there. He’s the one who determined our time together and I happily followed along, believing that would somehow show him how dedicated I could be if he were to ever want me to be something more in his life. Unfortunately, I was a plaything he tossed aside once he was done playing.

I look back at the pleasant moments with him and I want so very much to revel only on the good times. However, the reality of what has happened has cast a dark shadow on the good times, tainting those memories- at least until my heart heals.

Yes, he was smooth and said all the right things that distracted me from the things he didn’t say. Yet it was my intuition, as slow as it was, that finally told me that I’d be nothing more than what I already was to him.

I believe it was my request that we talk that caused him to disappear, probably knowing that I’d finally realized he did not want me to be a serious part of his life. Perhaps it was cowardice that prevented him from contacting me again. I’ll say it happened once I took my power back. I’ve never chased a man who showed no interest in me, nor will I begin now. From now on, I vow to keep my power, no matter how trivial the relationship.

I’ve learned my bitter lesson.

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What I Must Do for Me

As it turns out, “Jose” and I haven’t seen each other since the last week of December. Of course things were hectic due to the holidays. However, since the holidays, we’ve spent weeks away from each other because of his responsibilities and the distance between our residences. And in that time, I’ve had a chance to once again contemplate my life, my wants, my dreams, and my future.

When I first met Jose, I truly felt it was fate pushing us together. He entered my life at a time when I had finally completely accepted where I was. I was in a good place in my mind and in my life and felt he showed up when he did for a reason.

Yet, in the past few weeks (almost a month now) we haven’t seen each other at all and it feels like he’s okay with that. While I’ve expressed to him how much I miss him and wish to see him, he hasn’t done the same. He’s thanked me for my patience and expressed his appreciation- all without proposing a time or day in which we can see each other again. He told me I could visit him at his home in Pennsylvania and when I proposed a weekend in which to do so, he explained why it was not a good time for me to come. He told me I could call and text him at any time but when I do call him, he never answers his phone, nor does he text me as often as he used to.

I believe I’ve been more than patient- all the while hiding from him the fact that I no longer feel desired at all by him. He has a lot going on in his life right now- his kids, dealing with an ex-wife he’s not fond of, being promoted at work- and here I am not wishing to rock the boat. However, I must be true to myself and my happiness first. Right now, I’m not happy and I can no longer ignore myself in this so-called relationship. I’ve walked on eggshells when it comes to his time because he’s a father who is very involved in his children’s lives. I respect his fatherhood and wouldn’t want to do anything that suggests otherwise. However, I’m very much the last thing he considers important in his life. No, I don’t believe I’m being selfish in wanting to see him at least once a week and wanting him to desire to see me. If he’s not showing interest, then why am I putting myself through such discontent? I must look out for me. And if breaking the connection with this man means finally looking out for myself then so be it. I don’t deny that it will be hard. But it’s something I must do for me.

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My Former Interests

A few weeks ago, a guy I used to see on occasion texted me to say hello. It took me a few days to respond because I knew what him reaching out to me meant. When I did respond, he proceeded to tell me he moved to Harlem from Queens and suggested I visit him. It wasn’t very hard for me to tell him I was seeing someone because I was literally no longer attracted to him. However, telling a former interest that I was not available felt so good. I reveled in it.

Fast forward to two weeks ago and another former interest contacted me to catch up over drinks. He, I was still attracted to. I made plans to meet him for drinks and I thoroughly looked forward to seeing him again. I had met him- “Jim”- through the website Meetup.com years before meeting “Jose”. I was so into Jim but I never allowed myself to think of him as more than just someone to have fun with. I called him my French boy because one, he came here from France to continue his studies and two, because he is 13 years my junior. He was a beautiful young man whose toned body reflected the fact that he was a professional soccer player in his country of origin. Jim had long brown hair, olive skin, striking blue eyes, and a strong French accent I could listen to all day despite my difficulty in understanding him half the time. He contacted me just before the holidays and I decided to meet up with him.

Yes, I did think about my loyalty to Jose. But I also thought about Jose’s loyalty to his girls and the fact that I had not seen him because of them. No negative thoughts there- just a fact.

I met up with Jim, my French boy, in a bar in Manhattan. We talked, flirted with each other, joked around, and took a nice walk out in the cold winter evening arm in arm. It was nice dating again. Needless to say, nothing happened between us; it turned out to be nothing more than an innocent encounter between two old friends. The next day, he flirt-texted me and I have to say that I flirted back. I must admit that it felt good to be the object of someone else’s attention. It’s been some time since I’ve felt that.

Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t want to repeat the mistakes of the past that have kept me from keeping a significant other. However I haven’t exactly felt like I was important to Jose lately and I found someone who was giving me a little bit of attention so I grabbed that bait. Communication is key- I know this. I actually had a conversation with Jose a few days ago and was assured of his feelings for me. I shared with him my feelings about where I stood in his life. While he said he couldn’t promise me anything at the moment because his situation would not allow it, he did tell me how much he enjoys being with me. And it reminded me of the thought process I had acquired when I first met him. My goal was to fully enjoy all that my single life would provide for me. That included Jose. So I took a deep breath, and allowed the idea of just enjoying myself come over me once again. Never mind the former interests. As long as I felt right about Jose and kept the lines of communication open, I was good.

And just like that, I felt okay again.

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The Holiday Effect

A few Decembers ago, I was seeing someone who we’ll call Walter. I met Walter on an online dating site. The minute I met him at a local restaurant not far from where I live, I knew I liked him physically. And by the end of that first date, I knew that I wanted to see him again. He was a tall, muscular man whose skin tone was slightly lighter than mine. He had deep set eyes, a wide nose and a pair of beautiful lips that were so smooth. He was about 46 years old at the time and it was clear that he took very good care of himself.

Things had been going great between us. We saw each other about two to three times a week, had great conversations, the sex was amazing, and we simply enjoyed being in each other’s company.

Now Walter and I had started seeing each other late September. He had two young kids with his ex-wife and they stayed with him perhaps every other week- I forgot what their arrangement was. All I recall was that I was so ok with the fact that he didn’t introduce me to them- in fact, it wasn’t even a thought in my mind. But when Christmas rolled around and I realized that I was spending the holiday season without him, I foolishly allowed that to bother me. So a small resentment towards this man started to build within me because I was starting to realize that I was not an important factor in his life. The worst part of it all was that I chose to keep my concerns to myself- refusing to share my feelings with him. Everyone knows that the key to any relationship is communication yet I chose not to communicate my feelings with him. Before the new year began, I broke up with Walter because I felt he was not interested in including me in his life.

Last week, I realized that I was beginning to repeat the same pattern with the handsome and ever so sweet “Jose”. While Jose was spending time with his daughters and working overtime, I was at home feeling resentment because I felt he wasn’t trying hard enough to see me. Negative thoughts regarding his romantic interest in me invaded my mind. I felt like he was slipping through my fingers in a situation I could not control. Did he lose interest in me? Is that why he didn’t text me during the weekend?

Ladies and gentlemen, one phone call alleviated all the negative feelings I started to harbor. He explained that he was working overtime shifts at work because of the holiday season. He had also been spending some time with his father. He told me how much he missed me and wanted to see me. Then we made plans for Sunday. What really put a smile on my face, however, was the fact that he had told his father and both of his daughters about me! Yea- I was grinning pretty wide. With Walter, I had not expected, nor did I think about meeting his kids. With Jose, I actually look forward to the day he sits me down and tells me he’d like for me to meet his daughters. Because I know that there’s such a powerful bond between him and his daughters- how much they are his world and his everything- I would be so honored, blessed, and giddy with excitement if he told me he wanted to introduce me to them. Alas, that is not happening this holiday season because he’s already told me that I will not be seeing him for Christmas or New Year’s Eve. While it makes me sad, I totally understand. And guess what? I don’t feel like I need to break up with him!!! I know how he regards me. I know I mean something to him; we’re just not there yet in the relationship for me to meet his girls. In the meantime, I’ll be patient and supportive so that he’ll one day know that I’m the right one to introduce to the two people who are THE most important things in his world- when he’s ready.

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No More Reluctance…

Dictionary.com defines reluctant as unwilling; disinclined; struggling in opposition. I’ve been doing a lot of reading, a lot of self work and lot of listening to experts img_5183 in the laws of attraction. It has all made me come to the realization that calling myself a reluctant bachelorette is actually working against what I really want. When you focus on the things that you don’t want, you keep getting the same things that you don’t want. That’s why so much of what I didn’t want continued to happen for me in the last couple of years. I created this website to sort through my issues of being a 40-something year old bachelorette, so of course I’m going to have experiences that will continue to feed into my issues of being a 40-something year old bachelorette. It can’t happen any other way. It was what I was focusing on!

So I have recently made a decision to stop looking at my situation as something negative. I have decided to stop focusing on the negative aspects of my singlehood. And I have decided to focus on (as I mentioned in my last post “Enjoying My Single Status” 9.25.16) looking at my singlehood as something positive; an opportunity to explore and enjoy life. In so doing, I noticed that there were a number of positive changes that have occurred recently in my life.

For instance, I joined the dating site Zoosk and even though I was at first skeptical about the possibility of success with what I was looking for, I did get to meet two rather good-looking individuals from the site! (There is much to discuss about them; perhaps I’ll leave that for the next post!) Also, three different men I was interested in and attracted to from my past have contacted me within the last month, two of them expressing an interest in seeing me again. These were men with whom I left on amicable terms for whatever reason. I feel that all of this is happening right now at the same time because of my changed perspective on my singlehood. I’m focusing on positive things so more positive things keep happening for me.

Right now I just want to enjoy my time with the people that I am meeting instead of thinking I hope this doesn’t go wrong or I hope he doesn’t turn out to be a jerk. Those are negative thoughts and I want to break myself free of the negative. I will just enjoy myself. I will live day to day. I will do what makes me happy now. And then the pieces will fall where they should to continue helping me on my path to falling in love as a result of being happy first.

Things are suddenly so clear for me now. BE HAPPY NOW.

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