Perhaps it’s reaching out to everyone I know to tell them I’m searching for a husband that’s got me scared to finish this thing. But more than that, I think I’m starting to think differently about this whole project and it seems to have paralyzed me. Let me explain.
It started in the early days of June, when I was focused on finishing up the school year as a teacher. The school year was a bit more stressful than what I was used to so I was determined to get out of teaching altogether. My focus was now in writing as a profession, whether it be as a copywriter, a ghost writer, or any other niche I felt would work for me. And in focusing on this, I kind of put my husband project aside. I kept it in the back of my mind because I knew that I had to eventually write about it on my blog. In putting it in the back of my mind, I found that I wasn’t feeling lonely, so I did not feel the need to continue my husband project. And in not feeling that need, I started thinking, do I actually want a man or do I just want him so that I could have my babies? If that was the case, then what was I doing wasting time? I could be pregnant within the month if I went to a sperm bank. Then I started thinking about it more and more. Am I chickening out of my steps or was I being realistic about what I actually want?
I discussed these concerns with none other than my sister, who is also my mentor in this endeavor. She feels that I’m thinking about all of this because things are not moving fast enough for me. I assured her that I never thought that this process would move quickly therefore her reasoning could not be right. But she reiterated her point, stressing that if change were to occur right away for me, then I would see the project and the process differently. Then I would not doubt whether I should continue with it. But my argument is if I am doubting whether I should do it, isn’t that a sign that I shouldn’t? Or perhaps I’m giving myself permission to quit!
So I once again had to ask: what is my motivation? My motivation for finding a husband is to ultimately have my twins. I do want to fall in love. I do want companionship. But ultimately, I know that I need to make a decision and I just don’t know anymore if that decision should necessarily include a husband. I’m just so unclear about everything and I just don’t know if I am making the decisions that I am supposed to be making. Am I to reconsider? I just don’t know.
There was one friend who told me to be careful. She rushed into a marriage and having a child with her husband. Her baby wasn’t even a year old when they separated and now they are going through an ugly divorce. I thanked her for her warning, knowing that would not be me. But why am I still thinking about it? That was her reality but it doesn’t have to be mine.
And then there’s this former colleague that I recently had drinks with and she joked about going broke from her divorce and being single again. The fact that she kept bringing it up in her inebriated state showed that she was hurting. I later learned that she was more focused on having children than a husband at the time of her wedding. Why is her situation still floating in my mind? Why am I focusing on her negative?
I ask myself: is my hesitance to contact everyone I know to tell them of my project a sign that I should not go through with it? Or am I conveniently interpreting it this way to get out of doing something that scares me? I just don’t really know what to do anymore.
One thing I do know: it’s always best to go with your first instinct. When I first started this project, I bravely admitted that I had an inspired thought to do this project and inspired thoughts should always be honored. My first instinct was to go through with this project; that is just what I’m going to do…until I need to write about it again!
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