50 Pieces of Advice I’ve Heard in the Past 20 Years!

People absolutely LOVE to give unsolicited advice to others, especially if they feel they’ve accomplished the thing they’re giving advice about. As soon as some IMG_1930people learn that I am single and looking, they chime in with either what has worked for them or for someone else who has found success, not taking into account that each person is different and that will therefore garner a different experience than the one on which they’re giving advice. Although they mean well, sometimes it really annoys me when they do this; other times, it does amuse me. Now, I never collected the advice in a convenient reference list. However, being single-and-looking for roughly 20 years now I’ve heard a lot of the same pieces of advice many, many times. Many obviously have not worked for me, although they apparently worked for someone else out there. Other pieces of advice listed below showposterI’ve heard only recently and therefore have not tried yet ( numbers 41 to 48, for instance). Either which way, feel free to use and share any of them that seem like a good idea to you. These are suggestions and comments about being patient with the process, securing a date with someone, and holding onto a man. Do you have more to add? Feel free! Has any of these ever worked for you or someone you know? I’d love to hear about it! Enjoy!

1. You can not tell him you want to get married and have kids on the first date.
2. Tell him exactly what you want even BEFORE the first date.
3. Don’t sleep with him on the first date.
4. Wait until at least the 3rd or 4th date to sleep with him.
5. You should go on speed dating events.

6. Don’t be so picky.how-to-find-your-man-book-cover-580x989
7. You have to start giving some guys a chance!
8. Don’t be so judgmental.
9. Maybe you should move to another state.
10. You need to go out more.

11. Have you ever tried online dating?
12. Don’t your friends know any single men?
13. Don’t worry, you’ll find him.
14. Just don’t give up!
15. It’ll happen when it happens!

16. If you look for love, you’ll never find it; love finds you.
17. You have to look for love in order to find love.
18. Have you tried dating outside your race?
19. Just do the things you enjoy and he will appear.
20.You’re telling them too much about yourself too soon.

press_release_distribution_0405806_89737_121. You have to be aggressive about what you want.
22. Take a class on something you enjoy.
23. You have to really put yourself out there.
24. You can’t meet anyone serious at a bar!
25. Maybe try girls?

26. You’re still young … you have time!
27. The universe will provide a man for you in its own time.
28. You have to keep praying that God will send you a good man.
29. You have to believe that this can happen for you.
30. You have to keep an open mind.

31. Stop doing the online dating!Dating-coach-mn-dating-advice-dating-tips-dating-coach-kimberly-koehler
32. Try attending some spiritual events.
33. Why don’t you try some personal development events?
34. Involve yourself with a group of people with your same intentions.
35. Keep a gratitude list.

36. You have to realize how great you really are.
37. Have you ever tried doing volunteer work?
38. Pick up a hobby and join a group or class on it.
39. Get your ass out the house!
40. Go back to church.

41. Tell everyone you know and everyone you don’t know that you’re looking for a serious relationship.
42. Ask all your friends to specifically recommend someone they know for you to date.
43. You have to stay positive.
44. Go to a Starbucks or a local coffee shop to get your work done.
45. Reach out to the single men you once dated.

dating-advice-for-women-secret-d-280x18046. Challenge him to chase you.
47. Provoke his “provide and protect” mode.
48. Tell him you could really use his help with something.
49. Always make sure you look your best just in case!!
50. It’ll happen when you least expect it.

 

 

Can Being Aggressive Obtain the Man?

A friend of mine messaged me something a few weeks ago that was such a powerful revelation that I have not been able to get it out of my head since. He was Slytrying to stress his idea that when it comes to the men that I want, I can have them; all I have to do is be aggressive.

“I think that you can have whatever you want, and if a guy is into you, and you like him, then you’re top dog and can call all shots…You have to be more aggressive…if you want love, you need to go get love. If you don’t, then you don’t. Your move.”

He is exactly right! I’ve always tried to be accommodating to whomever it is I’m dating. Someone once suggested that if a date doesn’t happen when I want,  then I don’t give the guy a chance. But that was never true about me. Looking back now, I’ve always tried to be the pleaser and thus gave many guys more chances than most of them deserved. By continuing to do so, they knew what they could get away with.  I always wanted them to choose where we’d meet, and what we’d do. As soon as they gave me the choice, I’d get annoyed, believing it was their job as the man to make that decision. I never looked at it as if they were giving me the power! In all aspects of dating, I’ve always tried to be accommodating so that they’d see how easy-going I am so that they would want to see me again. Why haven’t I realized that this has never worked for me?

heel on head

 

My friend was trying to tell me that if there is a man I want, despite the fact that he is with another woman, I should go for it! He wrote, “There is nothing you can do to wreck a home that isn’t already ready to be wrecked.” Powerful. I’ve never been one to try to sabotage a relationship.  I never wanted to be that girl. No matter how attracted I am to the man, if I saw that ring on his finger, he was always off limits. That’s just the way that I think and feel. And when it comes to the men that I want: if I don’t see that their level of interest is the same, I leave them alone. I don’t fight for these guys. Should I be fighting? Should I be letting them know how much I want them in my life? Perhaps that way, they’ll consider me a potential life partner because I made it known how much I wanted them. I made them feel special, wanted.

My friend went on:

“I’m telling you that you can have whomever you want. You’re that great. Just sayin’. So go take what you want.”

I told my friend that I understood what he was trying to tell me and he came back with this:

“Do you? I want you to be more aggressive. Because you can! Because everything about you says you can! [You’re] Smart, independent, sexy, self-controlled, confident.”

He wanted to convey to me the power that I possess because of my beauty.

“I think that you’re also beautiful–physically beautiful–which means that I think you have the upper hand on all the other qualifications. You’re just gorgeous, and I hope you know that.”

Well, to that, I told him that so many of the men that I’ve been involved with were only interested in sleeping with me. But my friend was not swayed. “But doesn’t that give you the power?” he wrote. “Up to a certain point!!” I responded. “They never stay very long!” He reiterated his point about having the power by being aggressive.

Aggressive. Dictionary.com defines the word aggressive as making an all-out effort to win or succeed; competitive; vigorously energetic, especially in the use of initiative and forcefulness; boldly assertive and forward; pushy. Aggressive. What’s the difference between being aggressive and pushing a man away? Is there a difference between being aggressive and being bitchy? When it comes to men, I have never been aggressive.

My single friends and I don’t understand how there are women out there who take serious control of their men and their relationships with those men and still keep those men loving and doting on them. I know a man whose wife has kept him and their child away from his family yet he would give up his life for her despite that! Why? Obviously she has used her power over him to make him believe that she is the best thing that has happened or will ever happen to him; that life without her is somehow no life worth living. Perhaps she was aggressive from the start of their relationship, and to be with her he understood what he had to submit to. Perhaps that’s the sign of the driven woman that men find irresistible. The aggressive woman does all she can to keep her man and he perhaps likes the fact that a woman wants and needs him that much. There can be a number of factors involved here- factors I obviously know nothing about! But I will try!

wedding couple

 

I think it’s important that women who struggle with finding a man understand this concept. We need to be more aggressive. Being passive has not worked for us in the past. We need to try something new. That is why this has resonated so much with me. We are powerful. We are beautiful. We need to take the upper hand because that is what men seem to respond to. So this post is dedicated to all the single women out there who are struggling to find a life-long mate like I am.

This is what I finally wrote to my friend:

“More aggressive! I can do that! I have a few dates coming up. I will be more aggressive and see what happens from there! Maybe I haven’t been using the upper hand which is why I’m still single. From now on I will use what I can to be more aggressive to get what I want. My experiment begins right away.”

So that’s my current goal: to be more aggressive about what man I want and what I may want from him. Perhaps it will push some men away; maybe it will intrigue others and make them stay. Either way, I will have tried something I’ve never tried before. Wish me luck!!

Images from dailymail.co.uk and girlschase.com

How to Turn Dangerous Dating Disasters into Safe Social Situations

Off white topI don’t mean to be a kill-joy but let’s face it- dating can be as dangerous as it can be fun. With internet dating being all the rage in today’s society, it is so easy to put oneself in harm’s way when meeting someone for the first time, despite shared photos and fun, flirtatious phone conversations. There have been so many times where I put myself in danger because I didn’t follow the suggestions below. My sister was always getting on my case because I’d forget to tell her where I was and who I was with. Upon thinking about this further, I realized that I literally oftentimes put myself in danger by taking so many unnecessary risks. Based on the foolish and not-so-foolish things I’ve done on dates, I’ve compiled a list of tips and suggestions that will hopefully remind many women to make smarter choices to help make the experience of dating more enjoyable.
1. Always let close friends or family know where you are and where you’ll be. So you’ve made plans to meet the new guy at a bar or a lounge in Manhattan. Forward the specific venue name and address, along with the designated time you are to meet him to your sister or friend or anyone who knows you’re going to meet someone new. The name of the guy wouldn’t hurt either.
2. Always meet in a public place. This is for obvious reasons. You meet in public, there’s less chance of something bad happening to you. Recently, I made an afternoon date with someone I met at a club. I was to meet him on his boat at a marina in Brooklyn (“Giving Myself a Chance” 4.29.15). My sister was in Mexico for the weekend and because I did not yet know him, I knew I needed to let someone know where I was. So I used that neat little feature on Facebook to “check in” my location so that my Facebook friends knew where I was. And I joked with the guy too, telling him that I needed “to let everyone know where I am in case I turn up missing.” He laughed about it, and even helped me find the correct name of the marina to make sure I posted it right!
3. Always check in. If you and your date are done with your original meeting place and have decided to grab drinks or go for dessert elsewhere, text that information to your friend or family. Keep them up to date with your decisions. I once decided to go home with a man who I had just met from match.com. We were getting along great and having such a fun time that when he asked me back to his place, I felt very comfortable going with him. I texted my sister: I’m going back to his place. She texted back: where? My reply? In Manhattan. Duh. That’s where she already knew I was meeting him. It was hours later until I read her reply: I know, sis. But where in Manhattan is he? I put myself in a dangerous situation by making this move and not providing my sister with the details of my whereabouts. This guy turned out to be a very cool guy and we ended up staying connected with each other for the next couple of years, seeing each other on an occasional basis. But I think you’ll agree with me when I say that the night could have gone horribly wrong if he had been an insincere person.
4. If you meet him on social media, don’t give out your number until you’ve actually met and you know you want to see him again. Oh my goodness do I wish I took this piece of advice many, many times. If you look back to my post “Unsolicited Advice”  (2.6.15), you’ll find that the men who texted me insults were able to do so because they had my cell number before I made the informed decision to not pursue anything with them. These men do not need your number unless you know for sure you will absolutely like to see them again. If you meet on Tinder or any other dating site, you can text them through the app instead of texting them using your cell number up until– and even after– the first date. It’s SO MUCH easier to just lose contact with them if that’s what you so choose. Otherwise, if you have that feature on your phone, you can also block them if they become stalker-ish (I had one like that, too).
5. Meet him on your terms. I once arrived on a date an hour late because I got lost in Brooklyn and the guy was so gracious and so nice about it. I had decided to meet this guy (from howaboutwe.com) in Brooklyn because that was where he lived. For some reason I wanted it to be convenient for him. If it was during the time before cell phones, I would have been putting my safety at serious risk! Ladies, when it comes to dating, the only convenience we need to concern ourselves with is our own convenience. Again, it’s dangerous out there! Let him meet you somewhere close to where you live or somewhere you are familiar with. Why should you go out of your way to unfamiliar territory? Let him do the work. I always wanted to be fair and considerate but in retrospect, I was only jeopardizing my safety.
6. Let someone know when the date is over. I always text my sister when my date is over and let her know that I am headed home. God forbid, if something should happen, at least there is a time stamp of that last contact with someone.

Again, these tips are based on my personal experiences (I’ve had enough of them!). I truly hope that they help some women who are still very much a part of the dating world. Many of the above suggestions may be considered common sense but sometimes, we as humans, make unfortunate mistakes. Before these unfortunate mistakes can turn into unfortunate dating disasters, I hope that the above suggestions can help some women just think a little more carefully about the decisions they make when out with men they do not yet know. After all, we shouldn’t have to think about negative dating experiences. Dating should just be fun and pleasurable!

The Secret to Relationships

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A few years ago, I was introduced to a revolutionary idea that came in the form of a film that changed my outlook about my own thoughts and actions. I was later able to get my hands on the book and the audio cassettes- that was how much I believed in its message. The message was simply called the secret, or what is probably better known as the law of attraction, which was compiled together in a book titled The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. It explains how we are the creators of our own universe. Everything that happens to us is a result of us attracting it to us through thought and belief and conscious intention. The “teachings” of The Secret is broken down into categories, one of which is the secret to relationships.
Having read this book many years ago, I decided recently to take another look at what The Secret says about finding love.  As I retrieved the book from its place on the high shelf, I dusted it off, thinking about how much I had forgotten the details I had once lived by. I wondered whether I really was keeping myself from finding Mr. Right and I grew somewhat excited to consider doing something different than what I had been doing in the recent past. So here it is, along with my own thoughts and experiences, a breakdown of the teachings of The Secret when it comes to relationships.

“When you want to attract a relationship, make sure your thoughts, words, actions, and surroundings don’t contradict your desires.” There was one point in my recent past where I really felt sorry for myself because I did not have a boyfriend. Yet, instead of going out to try to meet someone or accepting invitations to parties, I stayed home feeling more sorry for myself. According to this piece of advice I should have been thinking positive thoughts about finding  a boyfriend. Everything I said and did should have been in support of my finding someone to be with, which means I should have gone out more and I should have accepted those party invitations. Instead, I surrounded myself with no one who shared my desires and nothing that would have helped me find someone special. I was contradicting myself all over the place! I’m glad to say that I am now so much more aware and conscious of my thoughts, words, actions, and surroundings. I am now taking steps in my thoughts and actions to someday soon bring forth a positive relationship.

“Your job is you. Unless you fill yourself up first, you have nothing to give anybody.” For so long, I just disliked the fact that I was so shy and because I did not yet understand my introversion and the reason why I needed to always keep to myself. I couldn’t fill myself up because I didn’t know how. I didn’t know what was missing. Then I found it! Ever since I created this blog, I have started to feel so different. I am in constant reflection of who I am and what I’m really about and I’m giving myself the one thing that I haven’t given myself in so long: a reason to write again! I really feel like I am now filling myself up– and it feels great! And the greater I feel, the more I project that out to others , thus attracting like-minded people.

“Treat yourself with love and respect, and you will attract people who show you love and respect.” This is quite simple! People can pick up on how you feel about yourself and they behave the same way toward you. If you hold yourself in high esteem and with confidence, people who meet you will have no choice but to do the same. That goes for everyone, especially members of the opposite sex.

“When you feel bad about yourself, you block the love and instead you attract more people and situations that will continue to make you feel bad about you.” So true! Have you ever seen the Disney movie Meet the Robinsons? (Love it!) There’s this great scene where Lewis’s roommate explains why he hates him so much. The more he focused on his hatred of Lewis, the more he internalized the good things happening to Lewis as bad things happening to him. The more he internalized, the more he was blind to the people who wanted to be nice to him. It thus led to an endless cycle that lasted until he was an adult. He kept attracting negative situations that made him feel bad about himself by focusing on Lewis’s positive experiences. We do this all the time yet we are not always aware of it! For some reason, many of us love to wallow in our sorrows so we tend to stay in that state of sorrow. We tend to see everything that happens around us and to us as something sorrowful instead of seeing the positive in it, whatever that positive aspect may be. That is how we continue attracting those negative things and people to us.

“Focus on the qualities you love about yourself and the law of attraction will show you more great things about you.” Doesn’t it make sense that once you focus on the things that you love about yourself, your mind will open up to the other things worth loving about you? You will experience this through conversations and encounters with other people. You’ll experience it through the things that you do and the positive things you think about. Once you start thinking about the positive things, all the negativity will just go away. But you have to keep focusing on the positive.

“To make a relationship work focus on what you appreciate about the other person, and not your complaints. When you focus on the strengths, you will get more of them.” I happen to do this with my most troublesome groups of students. I once had a group of freshmen who were so talkative, ignoring me each time I asked them to quiet down. They were never intentionally rude but taking control over that class was quite a challenge– until I started complimenting them. Everyday, I told them what fantastic students they were and how much I loved teaching them. I continuously praised them when they did what I wanted and gave no feedback (not even a negative one!) when I was not so happy about something they did or did not do. I showered them with what I appreciated about them and they responded by giving me more things for me to appreciate about them. It only took a few weeks before they started doing what I asked every single time. They started listening, doing their homework, and were perfect angels when I was being observed. I had them behaving all the way through to the end of the school year. I loved it!

As you can see, these tips are not solely aimed at romantic relationships but all types of relationships. However, I’m sure you can see how one can use them to find a romantic partner. All of these will really help you keep a positive attitude, not focusing on the negative, so that when you do meet or date a potential mate, you are the best, most positive you that you can be!

I hope this was helpful. I will continue to think about these very useful pieces of advice. Thinking positively and consciously about my intentions and what I want continues to be a challenge for me but I’m better at it than I used to be. And I truly do believe in them.

If you want to know more about The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, google it or find the book, audio, or film on Amazon.com. If you have an open mind and like the ideas that The Secret presents, it’s really worth looking into.

mindpower365.blogspot.com

mindpower365.blogspot.com

Work Cited: Byrne, Rhonda. “The Secret to Relationships.” The Secret. New York: Atria, 2006. 123. Print.

5 Classic Ways to Find Love

My previous post was all about the modern ways people have been looking for and finding love with the help of technological advances. Does that mean the old IMG_0632ways are obsolete? Quite the contrary! The following tried-and-true, old-fashioned methods of finding love still exist and are still working for countless couples in today’s society.

untitled8THE FIX-UP. Also known as the blind date. Now it’s not a bad thing to get fixed up with someone because the person fixing you up knows both you and your blind date and has obviously seen a positive connection that can be made. Does it always work? Of course not but the chances that it can is worth the try. I’ve been fixed up by friends, cousins and by my sister. The only fix-up that amounted to something was the one my sister set up. I was into him at first and he was into me. But he was moving way faster than what I was ready for at the time. Within the first month of our dating, he wanted me to meet his kids. He’d also often scold me for not calling him at certain times of the day to let him know I was okay! I was a bit overwhelmed with him. So I broke it off after only one month. And, true to form, he is now married to the mother of his youngest child (see my 2/10/15 post “Good Luck Chuck”). Even though the guys I had been fixed up with were ultimately not for me, I still think that being fixed up can turn out great for others. Friends, family and acquaintances are great resources to finding a potential mate. Image from relationships.com

SCHOOL. This is the perfect place to meet a significant other. The high school couple I think is cute but I’m talking about the college years. These are the timesimages0BZQ4FCF when the young people have so much more freedom than they’re used to and they keep their minds open to new experiences. Once you’ve declared your major, you start taking more and more classes with people who share your major and thus your interests. I had a huge crush on someone who was also an English major. We went out twice but for some reason, he lost interest in me and I never learned why. But again, it’s the perfect setting for a romance to begin. There are different club activities to join, college parties to attend, and sororities that prove to build life-long relationships. There is a lot happening on school campuses. Take it from someone who never took advantage of all that her university had to offer: join join join. What’s the worst that can happen? Image from explorewhatsnext.com.

images5WORK. I have to admit that I’ve had a little more than a crush on at least one guy at almost every job I’ve had. I always kept my eyes open at work.  It’s exciting to flirt with someone you work with- wondering if he’ll pass your desk today. What will you say to him? Is it just the two of you in the elevator? Did you pick your outfit just for him to enjoy? Do you go out of your way to help him out with something? Office romance can make coming to work everyday an exhilarating experience! I once rushed my students through a test so that we could visit, as a class, the art exhibit the cute art teacher was presenting in the school! Though nothing has ever come of my crushes, there are people out there who continue to meet their future life partners at their places of employment. And why not? If you’re working at the same company, chances are you have the same interests. There are usually after-work events to attend, like happy hour. If you work with many young and unmarried people, they will most likely enjoy your company after work as well.  Image from thebeatdfw.com.

SOCIAL EVENTS. Clubs, house parties, festivals, get-togethers, barbecues and gatherings are still great ways to meet not only potential mates but potential untitled7friends as well. Any social event is a great way to meet a number of different kinds of people.  I had to learn the hard way that you really do need to keep an open mind about every opportunity. If someone shows an interest in you at an event, consider the possibility instead of quickly shooting him down. He may turn out to be a great conversationalist. On the other hand, don’t take it so hard if you don’t meet anyone at a particular event. I mention these things because I used to unintentionally keep myself from meeting new people for these very reasons. I used to go to parties and events with the secret hope that I would meet someone. But I would also sometimes keep myself from enjoying the party if there were no interesting prospects. I had to learn how to enjoy myself despite the lack of men who grabbed my interest. Now, in an effort to be more open at social events, I do my best to simply enjoy the fact that I am out. Image from loveinspired.ca.

untitledJUST SAY “HELLO“.  I had to get help for this one from my sister (“Too Strong and Independent?” 2/21/15). But it’s so simple. We spend so much time with our faces in our phones that we forget to look up and see what’s around us. Social media has turned us into antisocial beings who find comfort and company in what’s on the screens of our mobile devices. How many times do we attend a social event to see people sitting together but not even talking to one another because they are too busy catching up with what’s on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram? I’ve been guilty of it as well. What if we just missed our opportunity to meet the person we were meant to be with because our heads were turned down low looking at our cell phones instead of looking up and ahead? Who knows who we have the potential of meeting- someone we can say hello to, a possible new friend, a possible new romance. I know probably more than anyone the anxiety that comes with breaking the ice with a simple hello but I also believe that in the end, it will be worth it.