We were coming to the end of our dinner one evening when my gentleman mentioned that he wanted us to have a frank and adult discussion about where our relationship was going. He’d been in relationships before where he and his significant others never talked about the direction of their relationship and he didn’t want to make the same mistake with me.
He expressed that he was starting to have tender feelings toward me. Sometimes, he confessed, he felt that he was the only one between us that felt such ‘tenderness’. In other words, he felt that I was guarded and that I was not letting him in. I have to admit: his saying that did not make me feel good. I was, in fact, guarding my heart, attempting to protect my feelings against a possible negative response from finally confronting him about my wish to have a child. So right then and there, I made the decision to tell him my “secret”, the only thing I found myself previously unable to talk to him about before.
Upon mentioning to him my wish to have a child and to be with someone who wants that with me, he maintained his position about why he did not want children. At his age, he wanted to enjoy his life with travel and his music, among other things. I listened. Who was I to judge him? He felt like that part of his life (having children) had passed him by. I certainly didn’t want to pressure him but I had to let him know how much I had always wanted this for myself.
We were both emotional as we lifted ourselves from the dinner table and sat together on his couch. Knowing what this revelation meant for us, we held each other in an embrace, not wishing to- and almost unable to let go.
I told him that for a woman to stay in a relationship that she knows won’t provide her with what she wants is pointless and an unfortunate waste of her time. I needed to find someone who wanted the same thing. He held me tighter saying, “We don’t have to make a decision now, do we?” And I felt the same way. I realized then that I didn’t want to end things with him. At all. But I had to think realistically. Could I stay with him and not have my baby? I would grow to resent him. What if he were to change his mind for me (which I certainly didn’t expect)? Would he grow to resent me?
Now, faced with the threat of terminating our relationship, I suddenly realized how much this man actually meant to me. I realized then why this was one of the most important relationships I’d ever been in. He is the first man that I’ve ever felt so comfortable with in ALL areas of my life. I literally could talk to him about anything and feel no judgement from him- just an understanding followed by an intelligent conversation, mixed in with some humor that always left me feeling good about myself, about him, and about us as a couple. How could I let that go to find someone who may or may not exist for me in the near future?
That night, he drove me home, expressing that he was glad we had our conversation and that it made him feel closer to me. I felt a deeper connection to him as well. But what good was it going to do for us if the very conversation that brought us closer was the one that proved we should be apart?
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