No More Waiting

So here’s the thing. I understand that having a child on my own will be challenging. I am aware that it would be more manageable with a partner. I’m not disillusioned into thinking that parenthood will be all magical because I’ll finally have that which I’ve always wanted.

But how can I not do this for myself? All of my life, I had wanted a child. Well- if I’m being honest, I’ll have to admit that I’ve always wanted— and expected to have— twins. I’ve always imagined two little girls who resembled me, surprising me each day with their own unique personalities. I’ve had their names picked out for years- in honor of my mother and my paternal grandmother. Yes, I’ve thought about this for years. (Interestingly, thoughts of planning a wedding with the white dress and bridesmaids and all the details that come with it were never things I fantasized about. My twins were.) In my twenties it was something I thought about with hope and fantasy. In my thirties, I was assured of what I wanted each time I attended another friend’s or family member’s baby shower. Now in my forties, the hope, fantasy and assurance seem to be slowly waning. And that is completely frightening to me.

I’ve come to the realization that if I’m ever going to get what I want, I have to act now, regardless of who is in my life. I feel that throughout my adult life, I’ve been waiting. My twenties were about waiting for that great guy to be in that great relationship that would turn into a great marriage and eventually that great family. My thirties were about waiting to fall in love with that ok guy, getting married, and starting a family. All I’ve done was wait. Now, in my forties, I’m done waiting for my guy to be on board with me wanting a child— marriage or not.

Don’t get me wrong- I have done more than just wait throughout the years. I’ve done my share of kissing the frogs— giving chances to the men I wasn’t entirely interested in and pursuing unattainable, single men. All to fulfill that dream of finally having my twins. I can’t keep waiting. There comes a time when the waiting should come to an end and the action begins. This is my action. With or without my gentleman, I have to pursue this dream of mine for me. I’m not going to spend the rest of my days wondering what else I could have done to have the baby I’ve always wanted. Resentment towards him and anger with myself are the only things awaiting me if I allowed myself to give up this dream.

While this is one of the most frightening decisions I’ve ever had to make in my life, it’s also quite exciting. I don’t feel particularly ready, but at the same time I do. After months of thinking, talking, and writing about it, I’m finally taking my first steps into that realm of possibility. And I can’t wait to share my experiences with you!!!

Simple Satisfaction

I was recently asked what do I get out of writing my blog, sharing something so personal with countless people who don’t know me and with the many people who do. Before I started my blog- in fact many years ago, I remember telling my mother that I wanted to write a book about all the funny dating experiences I’ve had. I recall my mom laughing and expressing her support, telling me to “Go for it!” But I never did.

The thought, however, always stayed with me. As my sister, my closest cousins, and I would share our unbelievable stories about some of the men we dated and what transpired on our dates, we’d laugh and laugh and we always exclaimed something in the vein of “We should totally write a book about this stuff!” But we never did.

And then, in recent years, upon learning that so many people have started their own blogs just writing about the things that interested them, I came upon the idea (with encouragement from my sister) to start a blog of my very own. And I did!!!

And what a journey it has been! What do I get out of writing my blog? I’ve learned so much about myself within the past few years. It’s scary thinking about your flaws and the steps needed to take to fix them. But my blog has forced me to think introspectively and face issues that I don’t think I would have otherwise allowed myself to face. I did it! I’m doing it! And I will continue to do it!

What do I get out of putting myself out there like that? Being so vulnerable? I’ve been criticized for some of the choices I’ve made or for just admitting some of the things I think, feel and believe. But I’ve also had people– friends, acquaintances and strangers– congratulating me on my bravery in expressing my truth. I’m always humbled by that because I don’t really consider myself brave. I invite strangers into my personal life in the form of a blog. I do it because I love to write and expressing myself is therapeutic. The reason is quite selfish- I don’t see the bravery in that.

But I am sharing my story and the people reading it are finding something in it that resonates with them. Otherwise, they would not continue to follow my blog.

So what do I get out of writing this blog? I feel appreciation for the people who take the time to read my words. I feel fulfilled in knowing that I’m entertaining someone with my stories. I’m helping a woman make an important decision in her life; someone is finding comfort in my words. I do it for the women out there still searching for love. This is for the women who’ve been scarred by love but have not been defeated. It’s for the women out there who silently cry for the children that never blessed their wombs. I want to believe that at least one person reading my story will think: Yes! That’s how I feel too! They don’t have to feel that they are alone in this. I tell my story to inspire others. As long as the words keep coming to me, I will be writing. And as long as I am writing, I will be posting. And as long as I am posting, I know for sure, someone will be reading.

What do I get out of writing my blog? Pure and simple satisfaction.

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The Irony that is Cooper

Yes, I think this is what is called irony. I’ve been discussing the idea of having a child with my gentleman for quite a few months now and he’s mentioned several different reasons why he doesn’t want one. Being an older man, he never expected to have a child at this stage in his life. Not only is he worried about the financial responsibility, but he’d rather spend his later years traveling and a child would prevent him from doing so.

Yet I found it ironic that as soon as I let the baby conversation go, he started talking about getting a dog! He even started looking into dog breeders and contacting them about the possibility of purchasing a schnauzer. I didn’t say anything when this was happening because I didn’t feel it was in my place to do so. The man seemed pretty adamant about getting a dog and I left him alone in his pursuit.

I still didn’t say anything when he sent me a photo of Cooper, the schnauzer he had arranged to pick up. It was a cute little thing, I have to admit. My gentleman decided that it was ours and that we would rename the two year old dog together. While I’m admittedly a fan of dogs, my heart has always been with the quiet disposition and independence of cats. I wasn’t interested in having a dog or sharing the responsibilities of having one.

As it turned out, my man realized right away that Cooper required a little more work than he anticipated. He’d had a schnauzer before and it didn’t need his constant attention like Cooper did. Cooper literally followed his every move. My gentleman had to be careful to not step on him or worse- trip over him! On top of that, it was too much for him  to walk Cooper every day because of a bad knee. So he had to hire a dog walker to come at least twice a day!!

Needless to say, it wasn’t long before my gentleman decided that it would not be feasible for him to keep Cooper. (Because of this, he decided to let go of the idea of renaming him, too.) Unfortunately, the seller was away on vacation which meant my man had to hold on to Cooper for another week before taking him back!

Now, I didn’t offer much in the way of advice about Cooper because I would not have been objective. I don’t want a dog barking at me or constantly at my feet when I go to his home. I certainly didn’t like it when he snapped at me and tried to bite me in defense of his owner!

I couldn’t help but wonder about the irony of it all: My guy purchased a dog— which takes time, commitment, work, money, and discipline. The same things- in one form or another- that a baby would require. There’s a lesson to be learned here, I think, by both of us. Was this like a trial run? A taste of what we are to expect in a future that grants me the wish of a child while I’m still with this man? Time will tell…

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Redefining My Ideal Life

I’ve always pictured myself with a beautiful man about my age with a body that proved he worked hard to keep it up. This ideal man would be such a charmer that everyone I knew who met him would compliment me on what a catch I managed to reel in. I imagined him without children. He’d want so very much for me to carry his and we would raise and rear them together. I pictured that ours would be the traditional family unit. We’d live in a beautiful house that had a sizeable front yard and a backyard big enough to keep a swing set and monkey bars and anything else our children would want added to their playground. That was my ideal life.

It was in the summer of 2016 when I started to realize that that may not have been the life meant for me (“My Inner Battle” 7.22.16). In retrospect, I believe now that I was in desperate denial when I started my search for a husband (“The Husband Project” 3.30.16)– rushing the process just so that I could have something I felt I deserved. But what I didn’t take into consideration was the idea that my ideal life was not going to be some modern day fairytale. I now know that marrying someone quickly just to start a family would not necessarily equal happiness. I’m glad I let go of my husband search and continued my search for love. But again, I think I was short sighted— still only looking for that “perfect” man. What I met were men who didn’t really want to settle down or have more kids, and one who didn’t even live in this state. I tried telling myself that maybe they would change their minds or come to see how perfect I could be as a mate. Deep down, however, I knew that again, I was trying to create a fantasy out of reality.

Then, suddenly my gentleman was presented to me in a most unexpected way (“An Unexpected Interest” 7.8.17). Yes, there were feelings of doubt and uncertainty but I wanted to trust the situation. You’ll recall that a major concern of mine was his age. And he didn’t come in the physical package I’d always envisioned but that didn’t matter because I found him attractive anyway. That was important to me.

He told me from the beginning he didn’t want kids yet I told him from the beginning that I did. Why are we still together then? Well, we’ve kept the lines of communication open with conversations about what we were willing or not willing to settle for. We’ve come to respect each other for that.

Right now I’m pursuing my wish to have a child and he has made the decision to stand by me in full support.

When I first started this blog, I questioned why I was not yet married to the love of my life, living in a beautiful house with our beautiful children. That was my ideal life. Now I understand and accept that perhaps I wasn’t meant to live that life.

My ideal life has become getting to know myself through my search for love. It’s become recognizing when a good thing has come into my world. My ideal life is understanding that I can most certainly have everything that I’d ever wanted when it comes to having my own family. Yet I now realize that that ideal life may come in a different package and through unconventional ways…and I am so ready to accept that.

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A New Adventure

The past few weeks have indeed been challenging with several factors as the cause. The amount of stress I’ve been dealing with has certainly been exacerbated by my lack of sleep. Juggling my time between my teacher-related duties and my gentleman, I haven’t had much time to really think about anything else but my desire to have a child.

Yes, I am still seeing him who has since made it clear to me that to have a child would make him greatly uncomfortable. A quiet sadness filled the air when he finally told me and upon his gentle coaxing, I refused to share my thoughts with him. It was too painful. I have grown fond of him- in fact, the word love enters my mind when I think of him. To know that he does not wish to take this journey with me— although he’s shown me in other ways his deep affection for me— is heartbreaking.

His decision has nothing to do with whether or not I will stay with him. He seems to have no intention of letting me go. And I decided that I want him to stay in my life in the role he currently occupies. But I also later told him that with or without him, I am pursuing my wish to have a child. He figured as much, he admitted.

I have to say that my initial hope was to go through this process in a much less expensive way. Previously, thoughts of IVF and fertility treatments and hormone therapy were issues I had not even considered. They are now things I will have to start looking into. Thus, my journey begins down a route I had not expected. I have to follow my desire, allowing myself to explore what can possibly be a new adventure in pursuit of my dream.

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